Chardonnay: Black Swan 2010 (1.5 L / $14)

It tastes like rotten fruit with a finishing of rising sour. It's bad in a really interesting and surprisingly -- complex way.

[NOTE: This picture is not accurate -- we, of course, got the 1.5 L bottle.]

SOBER

This bottle has a BLACK CORK. Have you ever seen that?! Did you even know that existed?!?? IT IS COMPLETELY BLACK, WITH PALE YELLOW LETTERING. I sense great things!

My housemate, M, comes running in excitedly. "Black Swan! I always used to get these because the labels are so funny!" She reads aloud to us: "Grapes, sun, wind, a dash of daring, unfiltered laughter, the feeling of leaving work at three on a Thursday, the rush of having your favorite cafe name a dessert after you, the pride of filling page  6 of your passport... In other words, tropical fruit twinkles bright like city lights, with hints of pineapple, authentically refreshing to the finish."


FIRST GLASS

I take a sip. I say, loudly, "Oh my god!"

My boyfriend, C, who is cooking, says, "What?"

I cannot respond. I am in shock.

It occurs to me, for maybe the first time ever, that I do not want to finish this bottle.

"Oh my god," I say again.

"Is it bad?" says M.

"It's bad," I say, "in a really... interesting way. Like, it's not just like 'oh it's sour.' It's bad in such a way that I want to keep drinking it to be able to describe it."

It tastes like... It tastes like rotten fruit with a finishing of rising sour. It's bad in a really interesting and surprisingly -- complex way. It's got so many different flavors: there are four and five notes, and all of them are terrible.

"Oh my god," I say aloud -- totally involuntarily -- with every sip. Eventually, I am overcome by the need to have someone else share in this experience, and so I wrangle D into having a cup. He says, immediately, "I like the smell." A few moments later, he says, "Maybe it's just the mug, but it looks remarkably yellow."

"Have you tasted it yet?"

"No!" he says. "A true connoisseur waits. How it actually tastes is saved for the last paragraph of the review." Finally, he tastes it. He says, "You know that alcohol shudder? This wine makes me have it."


SECOND GLASS

It tastes better if you hold it up in your mouth (towards the back) and then swallow, so it doesn't actually hit your taste buds. Just like drinking whiskey!

"It's getting better," I say, later. "Don't you think?"

"No," says D, decisively.

C has dropped pieces of a grapefruit into the jar he is drinking out of and is steadily and stoically plowing through this concoction. 

THIRD GLASS

it's actually kind of good!!!! i know it seems like i'm saying this just because it's the third glass but like, actually it's actually kind of good. maybe i had just eaten something else before it and so it tasted weird??? like when you drink orange juice after you've brushed your teeth?????? it's sweet, and nice. mmmm.


FOURTH GLASS

no actually nvm it's pretty bad



VERDICT: DO NOT BUY.