Pinot Grigio: Turning Leaf 2011 ($10)

"Exactly what I would want to drink a bottle of in the middle of May on a weekend when I have nothing to do."

My housemate, S, was kind enough to contribute a bottle of wine to a gathering that D and I hosted last night. "It's another Turning Leaf," he said, "so we can compare!" Truly, he is a scientist.

There were six people present, so this review should give you, Dear Reader, an uncharacteristically reliable report, given the comparatively enormous sample size.

First, we smelled it. Two (2) people reported that its scent was pleasing. One (1) person reported that it smelled very acidic. Everyone else wasn't paying attention.

Then, we tasted it. Here is how it was described:
- watery
- super-inoffensive
- sweet; reminiscent of green grapes
- watery
- very watery
- "some bullshit"
- "exactly what I would want to drink a bottle of in the middle of May on a weekend when I have nothing to do"
- like water
- feels like it should be iced and served with a slice of lemon

As we had similar feelings about Turning Leaf's Merlot (extremely inoffensive but not really tasting like anything), I'm beginning to spot a manufacturing trend. The Merlot was worse, though; this Pinot Grigio was watery, but kind of comforting, while the Merlot was entirely bland and forgettable.



VERDICT: Inoffensive: watery, but sort of pleasant.

Chardonnay: Black Swan 2010 (1.5 L / $14)

It tastes like rotten fruit with a finishing of rising sour. It's bad in a really interesting and surprisingly -- complex way.

[NOTE: This picture is not accurate -- we, of course, got the 1.5 L bottle.]

SOBER

This bottle has a BLACK CORK. Have you ever seen that?! Did you even know that existed?!?? IT IS COMPLETELY BLACK, WITH PALE YELLOW LETTERING. I sense great things!

My housemate, M, comes running in excitedly. "Black Swan! I always used to get these because the labels are so funny!" She reads aloud to us: "Grapes, sun, wind, a dash of daring, unfiltered laughter, the feeling of leaving work at three on a Thursday, the rush of having your favorite cafe name a dessert after you, the pride of filling page  6 of your passport... In other words, tropical fruit twinkles bright like city lights, with hints of pineapple, authentically refreshing to the finish."


FIRST GLASS

I take a sip. I say, loudly, "Oh my god!"

My boyfriend, C, who is cooking, says, "What?"

I cannot respond. I am in shock.

It occurs to me, for maybe the first time ever, that I do not want to finish this bottle.

"Oh my god," I say again.

"Is it bad?" says M.

"It's bad," I say, "in a really... interesting way. Like, it's not just like 'oh it's sour.' It's bad in such a way that I want to keep drinking it to be able to describe it."

It tastes like... It tastes like rotten fruit with a finishing of rising sour. It's bad in a really interesting and surprisingly -- complex way. It's got so many different flavors: there are four and five notes, and all of them are terrible.

"Oh my god," I say aloud -- totally involuntarily -- with every sip. Eventually, I am overcome by the need to have someone else share in this experience, and so I wrangle D into having a cup. He says, immediately, "I like the smell." A few moments later, he says, "Maybe it's just the mug, but it looks remarkably yellow."

"Have you tasted it yet?"

"No!" he says. "A true connoisseur waits. How it actually tastes is saved for the last paragraph of the review." Finally, he tastes it. He says, "You know that alcohol shudder? This wine makes me have it."


SECOND GLASS

It tastes better if you hold it up in your mouth (towards the back) and then swallow, so it doesn't actually hit your taste buds. Just like drinking whiskey!

"It's getting better," I say, later. "Don't you think?"

"No," says D, decisively.

C has dropped pieces of a grapefruit into the jar he is drinking out of and is steadily and stoically plowing through this concoction. 

THIRD GLASS

it's actually kind of good!!!! i know it seems like i'm saying this just because it's the third glass but like, actually it's actually kind of good. maybe i had just eaten something else before it and so it tasted weird??? like when you drink orange juice after you've brushed your teeth?????? it's sweet, and nice. mmmm.


FOURTH GLASS

no actually nvm it's pretty bad



VERDICT: DO NOT BUY.

Merlot: Lindeman's "Bin 40" 2010 ($6)

"Sour, red-colored water."

My bestest friend D and I decided that we wanted to get very, very drunk before we went out in the cold to a party, so we decided to buy one wine apiece and then each drink half of both bottles. That way, we could write two reviews!

My pick was a 2011 Turning Leaf Merlot (reviewed in another post); D also chose a Merlot, from Lindeman's promisingly-named "Bin" series. We went to my room, uncorked both bottles, and let them "breathe."

The Lindeman's was less bland than the Turning Leaf, and more smooth, but also far more bitter. "It doesn't smell..." said D. "It doesn't smell!"

I smelled it. "It does," I said.

"Not really."

We invited our housemate, N, to take a sip. "This is pretty bad!" he said, after thinking. "This is pretty terrible. I mean, I'll still drink it, but... Yeah, this is terrible. Sour, red-colored water." He then said, "It doesn't smell like anything."

We also invited our housemate, S, to try it. S said that it was "dope."

VERDICT: Smooth, but very bitter.

Merlot: Turning Leaf 2011 ($8)

Turning Leaf tastes like someone put a bunch of ice cubes in very, very weak Hawaiian punch.

My bestest friend D and I decided that we wanted to get very, very drunk before we went out in the cold to a party, so we decided to buy one wine apiece and then each drink half of both bottles. That way, we could write two reviews!

My pick was the 2011 Turning Leaf; D also chose a Merlot, from Lindeman's promisingly-named "Bin" series (reviewed in another post. We went to my room, uncorked both bottles, and let them "breathe." While I busied myself taking care of a few emails, D had his first sip of wine -- Turning Leaf. 

After a few minutes, I said to D, "How is it?"

"Huh?" he said. "Oh." He thought for a moment. "I forgot."

Indeed, it was, I agreed a moment later, a remarkably forgettable wine. Basically, the Turning Leaf Merlot tastes like someone put a bunch of ice cubes in very, very weak Hawaiian Punch.

Midway through the bottle, D and I noted that the bottle claimed "over 500 awards"; we began to speculate what those awards could have been, exactly. "Least offensive" was a contender, as was "best reference to seasonal imagery."

Second opinions: N, our housemate, described it as having the "semblance of a Merlot." M, another housemate, once again voiced the opinion that it "would be very easy to drink a whole bottle of." 

VERDICT: Drinkable; forgettable.

Merlot: Concannon 2010 (1.5 L / $10)

"More of an aftertaste than a taste."

This one is a big one -- 1.5 L for only $10.00!

The first thing that I'd like to report about this wine is that it has a real cork. I would also describe it as "thin," "bland," and "very, very light."

My associate, C, grimaced after every sip, and pronounced that there is "more of an aftertaste than a taste," which is very accurate -- you have to wait a while for the sour to hit.

VERDICT: All in all -- it does the job, but don't go out of your way.

Petite Sirah: Crane Lake 2011 ($7)

"It sort of like runs through your mouth like a stream of very sour red smooth lemons."

SOBER

This wine was on sale, so I actually got it for only $6! However, the cheapness of the wine was immediately apparent when I got home and tried to uncork the bottle: the cork split and crumbled. It took the herculean efforts of not one, but two of my housemates, to help me wrestle out this evil obstacle to my thrifty happiness. Also, my corkscrew sucks.



FIRST GLASS

It's... a lot. A lot of flavor. For maybe the first five sips, I found myself saying "Oh!" involuntarily each time. It was like a powerful wave of lemons. It was like a powerful wave of smooth lemons.

I asked my housemates what they thought.

"It's like juice... and then a little bit of cigarette," said S.

"It smells," said D. "...It smells." He took another sip. "It's like, weirdly bitter. I don't know. Hint of cranberry? So. And it, it doesn't like... it doesn't taste..." he said, "you know, like cranberries, but I kind of -- I kind of think of them when I drink it." He added, "I'm gonna make myself a gin and tonic."



SECOND GLASS

I jotted down on a piece of paper, "It sort of like runs through your mouth like a stream of very sour red smooth lemons."

A third housemate, M, offered another perspective. "This bottle would be very easy to drink. So that's a pro! Like, you could definitely just drink that whole bottle."

I agree.

THIRD GLASS

it tastes very... open



FOURTH GLASS

Isn't like, doesn't like the name of the wine mean like the kind of grape or something? The label says "Petite Sirah." Hmm.

Wikipedia redirects this to "durif." Durif is a kind of grape! So that's what "Petite Sirah" means (it's the American name for it). Crane Lake is, I guess, like, the place that made it or something. Follow this blog, and you'll be a wine expert in no time!



FIFTH GLASS

i am pouring it into a flask and going ouuuuuuut



VERDICT: Very forceful.