Chardonnay: Liberty Creek ($7.99)

This is a momentous occasion. Joe, my former blog partner, is back from his year-long government-mandated exile in Latin America, and we are about to write a review together. We are sitting on my porch in West Philadelphia, watching the cars noisily race by. A perfect May afternoon. Earlier, we saw a horse!

It tastes like a floral pattern on a sofa.

FIRST GLASS

"How long do you have to let the wine breathe?"

"I don't know. I don't care, really."

"I like your general approach."

(Joe here, taking a turn narrating: This is a NICE wine drinking set up.  Sitting on the balcony, beautiful weather, glorious friendship restored, hunky men playing volleyball...but it is possible this wine is really bad.  It is definitely too warm.  So we have placed it in the refrigerator.)

Joe's right -- the wine is either very bad, or too warm, or possibly both. I guess we'll have to wait until the second glass to find out!



SECOND GLASS

Our friend JG has arrived! He says, "Very pleasant, goes down smoothly." (He is drinking out of the martini glass.)

Okay, my second glass. In my opinion, it's a little too fruity, a little too sweet, but then again, I don't really like sweet wine.

It tastes, I think, like a floral pattern on a sofa.

"This wine," Joe says, "is like the green light in the Great Gatsby. Semicolon. Let's... What does the green light stand for? It's kind of like Daisy. No, don't -- don't -- no, don't type -- it... Brings out a sense of longing. You see an ideal, so in the Great Gatsby that is Daisy, but in here it is a good fruity wine--"

"-- the platonic form of a good fruity wine --" says JG.

"Yeah!" says Joe.



THIRD GLASS

It's still not very good.



FOURTH GLASS

Maia" I would rather raise children with you than Alex."






VERDICT: Do not buy!

Malbec: Trivento 2012 ($12)

Okay, guys, so I have some exciting news. Tonight, I'm going to try something new! It's called: "drinking in moderation."(*) Instead of drinking the entire bottle of wine, I'm just going to have a glass with dinner, because I'm sort of in the mood for it, and then I'm going to use my fancy new vacuum wine stopper, and save the rest for another day. Am I an adult now? Is this what adulthood means?

* Seriously, I have never actually not finished an opened bottle of wine in my entire life. (**) While I was on the phone with C in the liquor store, I asked him if this was sad. He said I should be proud. I'm not so sure.
** My father can never, ever find this blog.

DAY ONE: Growing Up

Whoa, this smells good.

Hey, you know, I actually like this one! It's very, like, well-balanced -- it isn't too sweet, it isn't too sour. It's... nice, actually.

I guess if I had a complaint, I would maybe say that it's not, like, "full-bodied"? Do you know what I mean? Do I sound like an asshole? Do you ever read something in a wine review and think, "What does that even mean, this person is an asshole," but then you're drinking wine yourself and the term just pops into your head and suddenly you understand it? Whatever.

I'm not drunk, but I still feel nice! Glowing and mellow. I'm going to curl up in my soft girly curly white bed and pull up the comforters and read a magazine. I like life.

Glasses of wine: 1



DAY TWO: Tragedy Strikes

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, IT'S SOUR.

!!!!!

Or is it? Did I just eat something sweeter for dinner and it tastes more sour? Is this in my head? But I used my new Vacu Vin wine stoppers that I bought at the wine store!

A quick search for "what the fuck is the right way to use vacu vin wine stoppers" reveals that I have not, in fact, managed to use the stoppers correctly. Having ignored the incomprehensible directions (see below), I simply shoved the stopper in my bottle, figuring that'd do'er.

This is what I was supposed to do. Please click on this so you can see it better.

These directions make much more sense now that I've figured out that I'm supposed to buy a pump! So here I am, home alone, drinking sour wine and looking at Amazon with my credit card out. Aaaand there goes! Vacu Vin pump bought! (I got the stainless steel "gift" edition, because I'm worth it.) Will it work?! STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.

Isn't this blog useful?

Glasses of wine: 1

DAY THREE: The End

okay, the pump hasn't come yet, but i finished the bottle

Glasses of wine: 4